Joques Frances Soliz

Sexy Bardness!


I always knew she had a thing for me. The way she’d pretend to ignore me; the way she’d miss vital organs when rendering me unconscious; the way she’d slap me awake from said unconsciousness only to ask, “What the fuck were you doing!?” The only explanation…is love.
Being a bard, and a famous one at that, has many perks; my favorite being the women. There’s never any shortage for one so handsome as I, but none have power over me as she does…She’s just so beautiful! That brilliant red hair, those gorgeous legs…


“Wake up, you idiot!” Tiffany yelled into my ear, piercing my eardrum, causing pain as only she could.

“Hello, gorgeous,” I said in a tone that would melt the heart of a white dragon…female of course…and shapechanged into a human…oid…of course.

“The whole plan was ruined because you just had to try the top shelf!” Clearly, she wanted to get physical, so I gently and sensually caressed her leg. “Get a hold of yourself, you asshole!”

Oh the throes of love…When I awoke I was tied to a chair.

“Is that better, Joques?” she said with the intonation of one who just had a ‘great time’.

“A little kinky, but I’m open minded” I replied.

She shot me a glance that screamed desire…“You know, the boss isn’t going to be too happy about this.”

“Yeah, but with you by my side, I can take him,” she walked slowly over to me.

“…is that…are there drums playing?” I thought to myself.

She looked me dead in the eye and said with a passion I’ve only dreamed about…many times… She said, “Well you’d better not fuck up again.”

The next day I awoke to a familiar scene. The puddle I was lying in, now making its way into my ear canal, smelled of alcohol, vomit, and, my favorite, urine. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, children were laughing, and some drunkard was pissing on the wall nearby.

“Ugh…my people!” I exclaimed.

“Eh? Fuck off!” Said the gentleman as he shook off and put himself away. He sat down next to what I could only guess was another drunk man. He appeared only to be a breathing pile of filthy rags and hair.

I quickly stood up…not the best choice. My head was about to implode…clearly, I’ll need a drink. Hopefully the new Lieutenant won’t hear anything about this…that’s just what I need, another snag in the plans.

“Oh yeah!” I remembered the note Tiffany stuffed into my pocket the night before…or…whenever that was. I hope this isn’t too much…I need to do well on this one, especially after spilling “too much” information about the bomb to those peasants…what could I have done!? I had just gotten paid…oh well.

After carefully unfolding the crumpled up piece of paper I began to read it.

“You are to ally yourself with a group of adventurers who can’t seem to keep their nose out of our business. Once you’ve gained their trust, you need to do what you can to keep them from foiling our plans. You know, just lead them astray, or whatever you do. You are to report any suspicious behavior to us twice a week and if you can’t manage to do this simple task, I’ll be rather put off. Don’t you dare fuck this up!" -Sal

“Shit…” I thought, “Shit…” I said.

Joques Frances Soliz

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